Alright campers, listen up.
It has come to my attention that there is some dissatisfaction amongst the ranks regarding the breakfast operation being run around here. I am here to inform you that you’re not alone. Your superiors feel the same way, and we agree it’s high time some changes took place. Below you’ll find our new policies, complete with numbered bullet points for easy comprehension and quick reference.
We do hope this will help things run more smoothly for all. Do not hesitate to come to us with any questions you may have. We know you won’t. Because you never, ever, ever have before.
First, a few quick reminders:
- I am not a Short Order Chef. What’s served for breakfast is what’s served for breakfast.
- I am also not a Magical Kitchen Genie. If we don’t have eggs, we don’t have eggs and no amount of your whining is going to make them miraculously appear.
- The kitchen does not open until 7am EXCEPT for coffee. Yes, it IS fair and no I will NOT discuss it further. Just TRUST me.
Circumstances under which breakfast will NOT be served:
- Any of the hours before 7am (please reference reminder #3). You tinier ones have no excuse either, thanks to your superfun color-changing clock that tells you it’s “ok to wake!” (sometimes technology helps us all win). Nonetheless, should you somehow “forget” and come stand at my bedside in the wee hours of the morning, staring at me like a psychopath, the breakfast thing will still stand.
- Exception A: We are going on a trip/adventure/excursion and need to leave the house before 7am. In this case, a bar will be waiting for you in the car. Most certainly whichever one I choose will be the wrong flavor/brand/color. I do this on purpose so as to ruin your morning and also your life in general.
- Exception B: You are in the middle of a growth spurt and you are literally crying at 3am because you are Just. So. Hungry. After bearing your little bodies in mine, I KNOW that kind of hunger and it is no joke. I totally get you. Let’s go make a sandwich (or three), love.
- Mommy hasn’t had any coffee. Also, I will not play a game/make a craft/do play-doh/help you build a fort while I’m drinking it. Just give me a second. Also, give me some of your spritely morning energy, for the love.
- You aren’t wearing pants. *side eye to the boy* I’m all for airing things out, man, just not on my breakfast counter. Clean underoos are required at the very minimum.
Clear as mud, are we? Moving on, then.
And finally, here are some very simple procedures to help us survive the morning make breakfast enjoyable for all.
Proper Breakfast Procedures
- Things requiring baking or cooking time greater than 7 minutes will be made on Saturday. I love a hearty home-style breakfast as much as you, but listen, loves. Ain’t nobody got time for mid-week morning baking.
- A few words about toast:
- You may choose exactly one type of spread. ONE.
- The spread will be dispersed evenly on the piece of toast. I will not be painting it into the form of a dump truck or butterfly, or a zigzag pattern with 3 other types of spread.
- The toast will not be cut into shapes using cookie cutters. I know some of your friends have Pinterest moms who partake in these types of morning shenanigans. I am not that mom. You are going to have to make peace with that.
- Your toast will be left whole or cut into strips. If, after requesting said toast be cut into strips you decide that this is a catastrophe which has ruined any chance of happiness in life for you, and that I should immediately and miraculously make the toast whole again…see reminder #2.
- To those children around here who want to eat a breakfast equivalent to the caloric intake needed for a sumo wrestler, I say this: biology needs more than a quick SECOND to send a message from your stomach to your brain about its current capacity. I would venture to guess that 2 pieces of toast piled with eggs and avocado, a plate of fruit, a cup of yogurt and a cup of applesauce is going to tide you over until your morning snack at school. If, after getting ready for school, you find you are still so incredibly ravenous I’ll send you to the bus stop with a drumstick or something to gnaw on.
- If you decide that this particular breakfast is so repulsive to your very being that you must throw yourself into the depths of despair (even though this is the ONLY thing you have wanted for breakfast the last 2 weeks), then fine by me. You are welcome to cry your ever-loving eyeballs right out of your face. But hear me when I say this: When breakfast time is over (and this should never come as a surprise; you know I’m the Queen of Timers), the dishes will be put away and the kitchen will close, food eaten or not. Even the Italians would grow weary of your slow-food ways, love bugs.
- Let’s talk for a minute about what constitutes a “dirty” fork/spoon.
- Dirty: If it’s been up your nose, in the dog’s mouth, or stuck to the bottom of your shoe, then yes, it is in fact dirty.
- Clean: However, if it has merely touched your food in order to cut up your food or stir up your food for your consumption and therefore has bits of YOUR FOOD on it, then no, it is not dirty. It is “in use.” And no, I won’t get you another one, my darling angel child. Why? Because I care about you, and I want you to have actual friends one day. I also want to have a somewhat decent relationship with your future spouse. Indulging your inclinations toward royal tendencies is no way to accomplish either of those things.
- Finally, I’ll just be over making creamy, flavorful, nutrient-laden smoothies. These smoothies are just for grown-ups and under no circumstances may any children have any bit of them. And that’s FINAL. What’s that? You want just a little sip? Nope. No way. Are you begging? Well, ok. Oh, you like that? You want your own cup? Well, ok. But just this once. And whatever you do, don’t tell your siblings. Ok?
Examples of things you won’t be seeing at our breakfast table.
I am certain we can work together to make this a truly magical transition into daily breakfast bliss. Thank you in advance for your complete participation.
With so much love,
2 thoughts on “An Open Letter to My Children About Breakfast”
OMG! I am dying over here! This is so funny. And so true. Forget “Mr. Limoncello’s Library Olympics” and “Harry Potter.” THIS will be required reading in our house tonight.
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Impressive!! Did you actually write this when drinking your coffee in your quiet time??!!😂
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